I’m sorry, son

I’m sorry, son,
For the pain I caused you both.
That day I heard
Siren moonlight in the woods,
Later, knee-deep
In tantalising quicksand,
I even wished
To add you to our new life.

One night I crawled
Back, weary for quietude.
Frightened, you ran
To her bed, waking with words,
“Who is that man
In my room?” She takes a breath,
“It’s your father.”
Questions spin within your dreams.

Belonging craves,
Deep pressures pulled me apart,
Pieces of me
Wandered in bright illusions,
Longing for that
Ever elusive feeling –
Fulfilment and
The quest to harmonise doubt.

The glamour crumbled away,
I drove gladly,
Desiring my family.
It took me years,
To perceive the damage caused,
As I arrived,
To a wholly different home.



Some reflections with a query… (scroll to the end for the query)

I used 4 syllables than 7 syllables throughout this poem. I tend to open the poem and then try to continue the “beat” or syllable idea. The mismatch between the length of the syllables of the alternating lines further conveys the idea of disparity (aspirations, age, realities, experiences etc).

I used to struggle with tense. Although a native English speaker, I am sometimes caught wondering whether what I want to say is most effectively presented in the past or present (or some other tense). Here, I go for past mainly, however, I used present in the middle. I did this spontaneously in the flow of writing and think it is because it gives that part a different feel.

Using italics for the 3rd stanza seems to give not just that stanza that distant/ slightly nostalgic tone (which I associate with italics) but also the last verse seems “gentler” (?) than it did before I added the italics..

What do you think.. is it better with or without the italics?

About The Mollusc Dimension

"Like existence, art, expression and even the urge to explore are in a state of flux, revelation and memory. Each encounter through the doorway, into the state of creativity is a catalyst for action, emotional and spiritual as well as physical and intellectual. As Krishnamurti says, there is no state of happiness but the state of the creative moment." This is currently the "Writing Dept" (eg “just words” — well mainly!) for The Mollusc Dimension, AKA Angelus Squid Marr, an East-Asian, British, experimental, interdisciplinary artist working in music, image and sound. He has a particular interest in themes of identity, queerness, intersectional feminism, surrealism + education and using lo-fi/ everyday materials (words/experiences/equipment) in addition to technology.
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